I am not what I seem
by DrawACircleThatIsTheEarth
Summary: will this be the end? Or is this just the beginning? M to be same


A/N: So I've read so many great fanfictions with a depressed Lovino but it is so hard to find a longer then one shots or two shots with a depressed Antonio that I wanted to try and write one mysef! This is my first story to pulis so please don't hate me for not being the best. Also I got dislexia and am not from UK or USA so please bare with me. How you enjoy!

I'm not what I seem.

Antonio was standing in front of the bathroom mirror. His vision was blurried from dried up tears he had shead earlier. He grabbed a washing cloth and whiped his face. He grabbed his jelly pot thik glasses and put them on, looking at himself with a frown. He didn't have a great vision but it seemed to worsen the past years. He then focused on his arms, scars and clean cuts on it making it looked slightly deformed and disstrressed. He grabbed a razor and slowly braughed it up to his wrist. When he was about to make the cut his mom called him.

"Antonio, sweetheart, its time for bed!"She called nicely. Antonio dropped the razor. He forced on a smie even though she couldn't see him. "Alright Madre! Te amo!" He replied. "Santiago! Its also bedtime for you hun!" She called. "Yeah Yeah Good night." Antonio's older brother replied.

Antonio picked up the razor and put it back. He should stop... yet, he coudn't, it was addictive and it helped to forget the pain and the empty, lonelyness he was feeling.

The door handle starte to creek and his brother called out. "OI Antonio, geet out of thaat bathroom. What are you? A gir?"He called out harshly. Antonio pulled a longsleeved shirt from the drying rack and put it on without saying a thing.

He took a deep breath when he unlocked the door and got out. Antonio coud smell the smell of smoked cannabis and knew his brother had been smoking again. "You know what wil happen when mom finds out you're smoking?"he asked friendly. He warned him multiple times. Mom would kick him out of the house. Santiago grabbed ANtonio'collar with two hand, pushing him against the bathroom door which slammed shit but the sudden weight of Antonio's body. "Tell me Antonio, how will she now? You better not tell her that or I will..." He soon realized his brother hadnt anything to hide, at least, not what he knew of. "then I wil break these glasses of yours into your eyes so you'll be blinded for the rest of you life, got it?" He hissed.

Sweatdrops formed onto Antonio's forhead, a soft peeping noice could be heard from his troat. He nodded carefuly, not wanting to make his brother even more angry. "What was that? I can't hear you like that, midget. Speak up!"

"I won't tell her, I promise. I promise please let go of me." Antonio's voice quivered while speaking. He was scared, his brother was so much stronger then he was.

Luckly his brother let go of him after and left him alone. He wanted to crul up and cry but he didn't let could not accept himself if he did that. He had been crying until his showerss was over.

he took a few deep breathes and went to his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

He sometimes wished he did have a lock on his door so he coud do whatever he wanted in there but on the other hand, no family member bothered tto com into his room to check on him.

Sighting deeply Antonio let himself fall onto his kingsided bed. He was tired and deventy not looking forward to tomorrow as their fall break was already over and he had to face all the bulies again.

Although Antonio always smiled when others were around he ad to force it. He never let his so called friend Gilbert and Francis come with him to his locker. People wrote ugly things on it and wait him up. If either one of his friends saw what happened they woud leave im or at least, that was what he thought.

He rolled onto his shoulder, facing the wall. He hoped he woud ever feel the power to go against everythinng what happened. well he used to fight it and tell teacher but it was all no use. They either told him he should just move on or didn't do anything about it. He had enough of it. It never helped. He was all along.

Unortunatly his eyes got heavy. He faught against it and sat up, lifting up his pillow and mattrass. He reached out for his diart or as he called : my only true friend.

His most favorite pen was next to it. He clicked the pen open en opened his diary. He had been keeping a diary sinds the death of his father which was 8 years ago. Antonio was now 17. He went thoug his 16th diary now which was almost ful. On some papers the ink of his pen had been running because he had been crying. Dried blood also was a commen thing. Suicide notes and plans had been glued into it. He had failed a few times, just waking up the next morning when his mom yelled to her sons to get out for school.

He stopped when he got to plane page and started to write.

Dear Friend

Today was the same old story. I was 'hanging around' with my 'friends' Gilbert and Francis at school. They have been trying to couple me up with many girls. I wonder when they will finally figure out that I was serious about girls not being my cup of tea. I guess its just hard to understand for people who are only into the other sex. All though it shouldn't be to much of a problem for Francis. I'd go to bed with every posible mate he could find. Sometimes I wonder if he would ever grow up and realize love is totally different then making love with every one.

Before going home I went to my locker and yet again some students thought to be creative and play hanging man onto his locker door with 'Antonio' writen next to the hanging man. This happens more ofter then I like to admit and for some reason I am so weak to let it get to me each and every time.

When I opened my locker I prepared for the worst but much to my releave no leters were dumped into it. It feels like my prayers had been heard at least some of it. So god must start noticing me now, right?

For the rest my day was alright. My brother was angry but luckly I could get around him for most part. doing as little of a damage as I could get. I had done enough to myself in the shower minutes before that.

Thank you, for always laying here, waiting for me to tell my story. this is about the only thing that is keeping me going those day. ahahaha who am I kidding. You and I both know I want to die.

But thats it for now.  
good night. 

Antonio lay his dairy aside and so his glasses. Turning to face the ceiling. he sighted deeply as a tear rolled down his cheek. He whiped it away quikly but before knowing it he was sobbing so he turned his head into the pillow. Not that many minutes had passed for him to fall asleep.

Dreaming about his own death was what was bringing a bit of peace so his mind. It was one of the things he desired most in life. Ironic right? Living for dying.

A/N: I know this was short but I really am thinking about what to do with it as I really don't hold that much passion for this anymore. I'm hoping for the best haha. PLease leave a review~


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